Sprouting Wisdom

April 14, 2009 at 12:02 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

HUNDREDS of toothbrushes warn out, braces endured, fillings bared, your grandparent’s advice of floss finally accepted and your smile is at last, the sparkly and straight master piece you have worked so hard to achieve. Then out of no where, four inconsiderate strangers dig themselves out of you gums and squeeze themselves awkwardly into your already cramped chops.

In theory, extra teeth should mean a better ability to gorge yourself on tasty treats, a backup plan for any teeth destroyed by your love for glucose and ultimately a sure sign that your brain resembles that of Plato.

But if you ask me, if these extra additions are a symbol of wisdom, then I would rather kill a few brain cells and cut my IQ in favour of a happy and pain free existence.


Lets weigh up the options. You gain four extra teeth that are near useless since humans evolved from the stone age. Four extra teeth that cause pain, discomfort, severe insomnia and an inability to eat without squirming. Four extra teeth which indirectly could lead to liver damage due to overdosing on useless painkillers and far from promoting intelligence, cause an incapacity to concentrate on anything other than the throbbing white mounds and swollen open sores now taking up the majority of your mouth.

Verses: 32 efficient teeth, pain only caused by ignorance to brushing and a smile that will get a girl bought many a drink by dazzled strangers. No competition.

Of course, it is not just the discomfort and fatigue that needs addressing here. Those lucky individuals who’s mouth has intelligently realised that 32 teeth are just as adequate as 36 will also benefit from greater wealth. Is it not bad enough that you are going through pain resembling that of a terminal illness lacking the help of morphine without the added pressure on your bank balance?

First trip to the dentist, £16 worse off, even sorer after the professional torturer spends 20 minutes mmmming and ahhhing whilst prodding your delicate areas with sharp metal objects. The imposters are still happily causing mayhem amongst the enzymes of your salvia and all you leave with is a time and a date for another appointment.

Second outing to the dentist, £60 worse off, still no competent painkillers and you leave with the knowledge that you will be conscious while they rip open your gums and this will happen in two weeks time. Two weeks!!

Third round, £45 worse off and this sum covers the privilege of titanic sized needles, stitches, gaping holes in already tender gums and one week off work….unpaid.

What happened to the good old days of metal chairs with restraints where dentists strapped you down and pulled your teeth out there and then? I am sure the pain of that one visit would be a welcome relief from the pain of four weeks waiting around for NHS service. Forgetting of course, the  modern invention of local aesthetic!

When all is said and done, the only trophy existing to represent your hike up mount Killer Mouth Jaro is a plastic cylinder containing four unimpressive looking white lumps of hard tissue. What a letdown.

On the bright side, eating, drinking, smiling and sleeping are all back on the cards and you can spend the rest of your days informing others of how you were so intelligent that wisdom started sprouting from your gums. Smile!


Sarah Butt (C)  


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